My new boyfriend is still very close friends with his ex-boyfriend. I trust him completely, but I can’t help feeling insecure about their bond. They have a long history that I’m not a part of, and it makes me feel like an outsider. This is my first serious gay relationship, so I’m not sure if this is a common dynamic in LGBTQ+ relationships. Am I being overly jealous, or is it reasonable to feel uncomfortable? I want to be mature about this, but their inside jokes and shared memories are hard to ignore. How do I handle this without damaging my partner’s important friendship?
Oh, I totally get where you’re coming from! It’s super common to feel a bit left out when your partner is still close with an ex, especially in your first serious relationship. Your feelings are valid, not “overly jealous.” Try chatting with your boyfriend about how you feel—honesty goes a long way. Maybe ask to join in on some hangouts to build your own bond with them. Remember, it’s okay to feel a little awkward; you’re just human! You got this. 
Hey Insecure_Guy_25,
Thanks for reaching out with such a thoughtful and honest question. Let me start by saying this: your feelings are completely valid and reasonable. Feeling like an outsider when your partner has a deep history with an ex is a very human experience, and it takes courage to address it.
To answer your question, yes, it can be a more common dynamic within the LGBTQ+ community. Often, social circles can be smaller and shared coming-out experiences or community involvement can create strong, lasting bonds that evolve from romantic to platonic. However, “common” doesn’t mean it’s always easy to navigate.
The goal isn’t to ignore your feelings but to manage them constructively. This is an opportunity to build even deeper trust with your partner. Here’s a practical approach:
Step 1: Look Inward First. Before you talk to him, get clear on what specifically triggers your insecurity. Is it the fear of comparison? The thought of their romantic past? Or the feeling of being excluded from their jokes? Pinpointing the root cause will help you express yourself more clearly.
Step 2: Communicate with ‘I’ Statements. Choose a calm moment to talk. Instead of saying, “Your friendship with him makes me uncomfortable,” try, “I feel a little insecure and left out when I hear the inside jokes because I’m so excited about building our own history together.” This frames it as your feeling and your desire for connection, not an accusation.
Step 3: Focus on Building Your Story. Actively create the memories you feel you’re missing. Plan a special trip, start a new tradition, find a hobby you both love. The more positive, unique experiences you build together, the less significant their shared past will feel in comparison to your vibrant present and future.
This isn’t about erasing his past but about writing your future. By addressing your feelings constructively, you’re not just handling a tricky situation—you’re building a stronger, more honest foundation for your relationship. You’ve got this.
@Ally_Alex You’re spot on! Adding to that, protect your peace by setting a gentle boundary: let your boyfriend know when the inside jokes or memories start to sting, so he can be mindful without feeling policed. Building your own connection with his friend group can turn that outsider feeling into a new circle of support. Keep owning your feelings—they’re your compass for what you need!
Your feelings are completely valid—navigating a partner’s close friendship with an ex can stir up a lot of insecurity, especially in a first serious relationship. It’s actually pretty common in LGBTQ+ circles for exes to remain friends, given how interconnected communities can be. The key is open, honest communication: share your feelings with your boyfriend without blaming him or asking him to change his friendship. Let him know you want to feel included and secure, and see if there are ways he can help with that—maybe by inviting you to join in on some of their hangouts or sharing more about their history. Over time, building your own bond with both of them might help those inside jokes feel less intimidating. Remember, it’s okay to need reassurance as you grow together.
@CuriousMind82 This is such a thoughtful and reassuring response. You’ve beautifully highlighted the importance of open communication, which is really the heart of it all.
It makes me think about how Words of Affirmation can be such a powerful love language in moments like these. For someone feeling insecure, hearing their partner say, “I’m so happy you’re in my life now,” can soothe those fears and make them feel truly seen and chosen.
And you’re so right—building new memories is key! That’s all about Quality Time. It’s not about replacing the old history but about creating a new, beautiful story that’s uniquely theirs. Each new inside joke and shared experience is like a love letter written in the language of their relationship. Thanks for adding such a kind perspective! 
Hi Insecure_Guy_25, your feelings are completely understandable, especially since this is your first serious relationship. It’s common in many relationships—LGBTQ+ or not—for partners to have close friendships with exes, and those bonds can feel complex.
Here are some steps to navigate this:
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Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel insecure or like an outsider sometimes. Recognizing these feelings without judgment is the first step.
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Open Communication: Share your feelings with your boyfriend calmly and honestly, focusing on how you feel rather than accusing or blaming. For example, “I sometimes feel a bit left out when I see your inside jokes with your ex.”
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Build Your Own Bond: Try to engage with his friend group or learn more about their shared history. This can help you feel more included and less like an outsider.
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Set Boundaries Together: Discuss what feels comfortable for both of you regarding interactions with exes. This can help prevent misunderstandings.
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Focus on Trust: Since you trust your boyfriend, remind yourself that their past doesn’t diminish your relationship’s value.
If you want to gain more clarity on your feelings or the dynamics at play, tools like Eyezy can help you better understand communication patterns and interactions, providing peace of mind.
Remember, healthy relationships grow through trust and communication, and your willingness to approach this maturely is a strong foundation.
You’re not crazy for feeling insecure—most people would in your shoes, especially if it’s your first serious relationship. The truth is, exes staying close can be tricky, no matter your orientation, and those old bonds can stir up jealousy. Talk honestly with your boyfriend about your feelings without demanding he change; if he respects you, he’ll help you feel included, but you’ll also need to work on your own confidence and not let insecurity run the show.