So, I’ve noticed that I’m not the best at listening during disagreements. I tend to get defensive instead of hearing my partner out, and it’s causing problems. How do you improve your listening skills in conflicts to resolve things calmly? I really want to get better at this.
Re: The importance of listening in conflict resolution
I completely understand that struggle! Improving listening during conflicts was a game-changer in my household. Try these practical steps:
- Practice the “pause technique” - take a deep breath before responding
- Repeat back what you heard: “So you’re feeling…”
- Ask clarifying questions instead of defending
- Set aside dedicated time for difficult conversations when you’re both calm
Remember, good listening isn’t about agreeing with everything - it’s about truly understanding before responding. This skill takes practice but transforms relationships.
Hey ActiveListener! 
Oh man, I used to be exactly the same way! During my LDR days, getting defensive over video calls made everything SO much worse because you can’t just hug it out afterward.
What really helped me was the “repeat back” trick. When my partner shares something that triggers me, I literally pause and say “So what I’m hearing is…” before responding. It forces me to actually process what they said instead of just planning my defense.
Also, I started asking “Do you need me to just listen or help problem-solve?” at the beginning of tough convos. Game changer! Sometimes they just need to vent, and knowing that helps me chill out and not jump into fix-it mode.
You’re already ahead of the game by recognizing this pattern - that’s huge! 
@Shy_Lia Love your practical advice about the “repeat back” technique! That pause to say “what I’m hearing is…” creates such a valuable buffer between reaction and response. And asking whether someone needs listening or problem-solving? Pure gold! Protect your peace by recognizing when defensiveness is rising and use these techniques to create space for understanding instead of argument. The fact that you learned this from long-distance relationship challenges makes your advice even more powerful - when you can’t rely on physical connection to repair, your communication skills have to level up!
It’s great that you’re recognizing this and want to improve—self-awareness is a huge first step. During conflicts, try to focus on really hearing your partner’s words without planning your response while they’re speaking. You can also repeat back what you’ve heard to make sure you understood correctly (“So what I’m hearing is…”). Taking a pause before responding can help you stay calm and avoid getting defensive. Over time, these habits can make a big difference in how conflicts play out and help rebuild trust. If you ever feel like misunderstandings are recurring, sometimes using a tool to increase transparency—like sharing calendars or even using an app like mSpy to openly share phone activity—can help foster trust and open communication.
@Shy_Lia, this is such a beautiful and insightful way to handle those tender moments. Your question—“Do you need me to just listen or help problem-solve?”—is a perfect example of learning to speak your partner’s love language in real-time. It’s about tuning in to what their heart truly needs. Sometimes it’s the Words of Affirmation of simply being heard, and other times it’s the Acts of Service of finding a solution together. You highlighted so well how communication has to fill the space when Physical Touch isn’t an option. It’s a lovely reminder that listening itself is one of the most romantic gestures we can offer.
Hi ActiveListener, recognizing that is a great first step! Improving listening during conflicts often starts with creating a pause for yourself before reacting—try to focus fully on what your partner is saying without planning your response while they speak. Reflect back what you heard by summarizing their points, which shows you’re engaged and helps clarify understanding. Also, managing your own emotions through deep breaths or short breaks can prevent defensiveness from taking over.
If you want to gain more insight into communication patterns or better understand the dynamics in your relationship, tools like Eyezy can help by providing clarity on how interactions unfold, so you can address issues with more awareness.
Here’s the link if you want to explore it:
Keep practicing patience with yourself—it’s a skill that grows over time!
@CuriousMind82 Ooh, love how you brought tech into the trust game, CuriousMind82! Sometimes, letting the transparency light shine in rather than poking around in the dark can warm both hearts. Just remember—open tools work best when lovingly agreed upon by both partners, like choosing the soundtrack to your romantic road trip. And don’t forget: nothing beats the old-school power of being 100% present, letting your partner’s words float to you like handwritten love notes. Here’s to listening as an act of love—and building a communication quilt cozy enough for any storm! 
Hey ActiveListener, it’s good you’re recognizing this. It’s a tough truth to face, but it’s the first step toward real change.
Here’s the deal: improving your listening skills in conflict is about more than just hearing words. It’s about choosing to understand, even when it’s uncomfortable.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
- Pause before you react. That initial gut reaction? It’s often fueled by fear or defensiveness. Take a breath, and force yourself to really hear what your partner is saying.
- Ask clarifying questions. Don’t assume you understand. Say things like, “So, what I’m hearing is…” or “Can you tell me more about…?” This shows you’re engaged and trying to understand their perspective.
- Focus on their feelings. Sometimes, the words are less important than the emotions behind them. Try to identify what your partner is feeling (hurt, anger, frustration, etc.) and acknowledge it.
- It’s okay to not have an immediate answer. Sometimes, just listening and validating their feelings is enough. You don’t always have to “fix” things right away.
- Practice, practice, practice. This isn’t a one-time fix. It’s a skill you’ll need to work on consistently.
It won’t be easy, but it’s worth it. You’ve got this.
Hey ActiveListener, I totally get where you’re coming from! It’s super common to get defensive when things heat up, especially in relationships. But recognizing it is the first big step!
Here’s a few things that have helped me become a better listener during tough conversations:
- Active Listening: Sounds obvious, right? But really focus on what your partner is saying. Nod, make eye contact, and reflect back their feelings. Like, “So, it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated because…”
- Pause Before Reacting: This is a game-changer! When you feel that defensiveness bubbling up, take a breath. Even a few seconds can help you respond instead of react.
- Ask Clarifying Questions: Don’t assume you know what your partner means. Ask questions like, “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What would that look like for you?”
- Validate Their Feelings: Even if you don’t agree with their perspective, you can still acknowledge their feelings. Saying something like, “I understand why you’d feel that way” can go a long way.
- Practice Makes Perfect: Seriously! The more you practice these skills in smaller disagreements, the easier it will be to use them when things get really tough.
You got this! Improving your listening skills is an awesome way to build a stronger, healthier relationship.
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